Server Manifesto

So yeah, I’m a server.

I work at Carrabbas Italian Grill in Grandville, MI. Grandville is an extremely conservative suburb of Grand Rapids, filled with tons of great churches, and more cheap folk than I can handle.


But, I do handle it, because I have to; otherwise I don’t get tipped the customary Dutch 15% for EXCEPTIONAL service.

This, by the way, is not enough for amazingly good service.

Most people will tell you that great service should get a 20% tip, and everybody seems to get this…

Except the Dutch, and the elderly.

Not all Dutch tip poorly, but I would give it about an 80% of those who do.

And it should be noted that 90% of the elderly people that enter our humble establishment are Dutch, so I generally loathe taking their tables.

Now please don't misappropriate what I am saying. I love elderly people and find the Dutch to be a generally very friendly and good looking people (My wife is Dutch, and she is super hot!). However, both groups can be very difficult to wait on and nearly impossible to please.

You see, a server is not just somebody who brings you your food. We are a part of the public relations arm of our restaurant. If I give you crappy service, you will probably not return to Carrabbas and will tell all of your peers about the bad service you had. And if enough people do not return to Carrabbas, we go out of business. Thus, I ensure that I give the best service that is humanly possible.

But sometimes, that doesn’t seem to be enough.

I am now going to document my 5 biggest pet-peeves of serving. These are in no particular order.

1.) Camping

Look,I understand that you would like to talk to your friend(s)/loved one(s)/lover(s) for an extended period of time. But sitting in my section at the same table for 3 hours and subsequently tipping 15% on the bill is UNACCEPTABLE. I could have been sat in that table at least 3 more times and made far more money on a given night had you not been sitting there. Go to a coffee house if you feel the need to socialize for an extremely long period of time.

2.) “Canadians “

Please, “Canadians”, PLEASE start tipping more than $3 on a $50 bill. And please stop ordering off the menu by modifying your dish so completely that we might as well rename it Pasta “Canadian”. No, your food will not be up soon because you ordered a well-done filet… would you like some ketchup with it? And for your beverage choice I will, of course, bring you water with at least 10 lemons and some sugar so you can make homemade lemonade. At $.05 a pop for lemons, I will ensure it ends up on your bill. Sure you can talk to my manager! He’ll be over within 20 minutes.

3.) The Grumpy Elderly

Let me start by saying, thank you for World War II. Without you, we would be living under a Nazi regime. But that does not give you an excuse to be mean and grumpy; complaining about every little thing that doesn’t suit you. There is no way that I can brew coffee that is hot enough for you without dragging it through the lake of fire in which all unrighteous will be judged! Please tone down the perfume (elderly ladies) or Old Spice (elderly men). There is no reason that you should be wearing that much of a scent unless you are trying to cover up a much more foul odor. Moreover, it is okay to try new things! You can make spaghetti and lasagna at home; why not try one of our signature dishes instead? No, you may not have a half-order or Sirloin Marsala, because that leaves us with another half of a 10 oz. steak that will probably not be ordered.

4.) No se habla Inglese

You want a menu with pictures on it so you can point to what you want? I’m sorry; we do not have a menu with pictures on it. You now live in America, and it may be time for you to learn our language, as we do not have a translated menu for you. No, we do not have Fanta or Pineapple Goya for you to drink, but we do have Corona and Dos XX! And would you PLEASE control your four kids who are all under the age of 5? I can’t understand what they’re yelling, and it is impolite for them to continue to try and write on my apron. By the way, I know quite a bit of Spanish, so when you are making fun of my nose in your native tongue, I know exactly what you are saying.

5.) Tract Leavers

As a Christian, this angers me the most. Leaving a “tip” that points your server towards accepting Christ is all well and good, but you actually do more harm to the Great Commission when you do this WITHOUT LEAVING A CASH TIP. Seriously? On what planet do you think this would be acceptable? The Apostle Paul would leave a tip, AND a tract. In fact, if you’re leaving a tract, leave a great tip and be friendly. Show me your fruit, and let me see Christ working through you. This is the way to win your unbelieving pagan server to the Lord. And just because I am a server, does not mean I am a wild partier who is addicted to drugs and has promiscuous sex with all of my co-workers.

Here are 10 more pet-peeves that come up regularly on any given shift.

10. Changing their mind after the food is delivered because something else "looks better".
9. Licking their fingers, plates or sucking the marrow out of bones.
8. Waving "hello" to the server even though the server has been waiting on them for over an hour.
7. Being nice and cordial, until the check arrives, and then complaining about the service.
6. Piling the plates up at the end of the table as soon as they are done eating.
5. Ordering something off the menu, then when the check arrives, complaining about the price.
4. Complaining that the food took so long, even though we can prove it only took 15 minutes since they ordered.
3. Using hand gestures when asking for things, like a peppermill or a menu.
2. Yelling at any hostess for a table, it's not her fault that the table will not leave.
1. Flirting, you are not funny or cute, if we laugh once, you may be funny, twice, we are humoring you, three times and you are now annoying.


In closing, if you don’t know proper etiquette when dining out, just stay home. There is no need to be rude and impatient at a restaurant unless things are going really poorly with your service or meal. So chill out, relax, and let me serve you.