Haberlein Halloween Safety Tips

Boo!

Ahahahahaha... scared you!

Welcome to the stupidest and least thought provoking holiday to grace the American calendar: Halloween!

Every year, this holiday returns to rear its ugly, (billion dollars in sales), head.

In addition, every year, local health care organizations release their own Halloween safety tips on their web sites, thinking people who participate in Halloween are actually going to bother reading their ridiculous tips such as, “Don’t eat candy that is open”, and “Don’t drive after having too much to drink at a Halloween party”. These tips have no bearing on society today, and everyone knows how much fun it is to drive home wasted, dressed up as one of the Village People. Hopefully, the cop who pulls you over is gay!

Now, all occultist historical facts aside, I feel it is my civic duty to provide you with some relevant safety tips to save you from not enjoying this incredibly asinine holiday.

1.)    Girls, dress sluttier than your friends

 Yesterday, I overheard this conversation between two female classmates of mine:

Girl 1: “Did you figure out what you’re wearing to Ryan’s kegger on Saturday?”

Girl 2: “Oh my GOD, yes. I am going as a naughty cop.”

Girl 1: “Oooh, Jeff will love that, especially after getting his DUI last weekend.”

Girl 2: “I know! My shorts are so short that you can see my butt cheeks.”

Girl 1: “You slut!”

Girl 2: “Right? I’m gonna get SO hammered and let Jeff see all of my butt!”

Both girls: Teeheeheeheehee!

You see, the sluttier you dress for Halloween; the more likely you are to get the attention of extremely classy boys! Boys that are surely going to want to marry and start a family with you after you give yourself to them in a regrettable drunken sexual escapade. And remember, if some guy you don’t know offers you an already opened drink go ahead and take it! After all, Halloween is about adventure and fun, right?

2.)   Use real weapons to accessorize your costume

Dressing up as a Jedi for Halloween? Get a real lightsaber from MIT. Of course you will have to break into their Advanced Laser and Light laboratory, but how cool would it be to show up at a Halloween party with a real lightsaber? And the inevitable frat boy who makes fun of you and calls you a nerd for dressing up like a Jedi won’t be laughing when you remove his intestines with your extremely hot and sharp blade! And since its Halloween, you’ll totally get away with the gutting! After all, death and destruction are the name of the game on this holiday.

3.)    Give really odd “treats” to trick-or-treaters

There is absolutely no way you are going to be the most popular house this Halloween. That distinction goes to Mr. Jenkins two houses down, who gives out king-size candy bars. You see, Mr. Jenkins obtained what is called a “settlement” after his wife cheated on him with her boss, and now has quite a bit of discretionary income with which to purchase neighborhood popularity.

The only way for you to beat Jenkins is to give out treats that are far more unique! Some examples are:

·         Clumps of hairballs coughed up by your 8 cats.

·         Coupons for 20% off at Bed Bath and Beyond.

·         Copies of Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto.

·         Pictures of Ed Harris.

·         Fresh, organic figs.

·         Banned Disney World War II propaganda cartoons, (My favorite is, “You’re a Sap, Mr. Jap!”).

·         Exquisitely embroidered do-rags (Some spell it “durag” but they are wrong).

·         Cans of Diet Rite Cola.

If you take my advice and give out these incredibly unique treats, your house will be the most popular with the kiddos for years to come!

4.)    Wear an extremely dark costume, and trick-or-treat near busy highways

In fact, if you can, trick-or-treat along heavily traveled roads. If you really want to have fun, play “can you hear a car?” with your friends by blindfolding each other and running across said heavily traveled road. Run, don’t walk!

Also, make sure you cut your travel time on foot by cutting through dark alleys and under large bridges to reach your destinations. If you encounter any aggressive strangers, remember that you have a lightsaber/sword/nun-chucks/bo-staff and the strangers will probably want a demonstration of your skills.

5.)    If a house doesn’t answer your “trick-or-treat” call, find another way in.

Trust me, the folks that live there merely forgot that it is Halloween and have many things to give you when you get into their house. I would recommend going in through a window or the back door, preferably with a couple of your friends. This brings me back to the “use a real weapon” advice. When you get into the house, make sure you brandish the weapon around wildly asking for your treat. And make sure you run up to the home’s owner(s) as quickly as possible, again, brandishing your weapon. They’ll immediately remember that it’s Halloween and will thank you for reminding them.

I hope these tips help you to enjoy your Halloween! I also hope you get lots of candy and get REALLY fat on that candy, because I will look better than you by comparison. And when I look better than you; that, to me, is a successful Halloween.

Oh, and don’t forget:

Halloween is demonic.