Haberlein Halloween Safety Tips

Boo!

Ahahahahaha... scared you!

Welcome to the stupidest and least thought provoking holiday to grace the American calendar: Halloween!

Every year, this holiday returns to rear its ugly, (billion dollars in sales), head.

In addition, every year, local health care organizations release their own Halloween safety tips on their web sites, thinking people who participate in Halloween are actually going to bother reading their ridiculous tips such as, “Don’t eat candy that is open”, and “Don’t drive after having too much to drink at a Halloween party”. These tips have no bearing on society today, and everyone knows how much fun it is to drive home wasted, dressed up as one of the Village People. Hopefully, the cop who pulls you over is gay!

Now, all occultist historical facts aside, I feel it is my civic duty to provide you with some relevant safety tips to save you from not enjoying this incredibly asinine holiday.

1.)    Girls, dress sluttier than your friends

 Yesterday, I overheard this conversation between two female classmates of mine:

Girl 1: “Did you figure out what you’re wearing to Ryan’s kegger on Saturday?”

Girl 2: “Oh my GOD, yes. I am going as a naughty cop.”

Girl 1: “Oooh, Jeff will love that, especially after getting his DUI last weekend.”

Girl 2: “I know! My shorts are so short that you can see my butt cheeks.”

Girl 1: “You slut!”

Girl 2: “Right? I’m gonna get SO hammered and let Jeff see all of my butt!”

Both girls: Teeheeheeheehee!

You see, the sluttier you dress for Halloween; the more likely you are to get the attention of extremely classy boys! Boys that are surely going to want to marry and start a family with you after you give yourself to them in a regrettable drunken sexual escapade. And remember, if some guy you don’t know offers you an already opened drink go ahead and take it! After all, Halloween is about adventure and fun, right?

2.)   Use real weapons to accessorize your costume

Dressing up as a Jedi for Halloween? Get a real lightsaber from MIT. Of course you will have to break into their Advanced Laser and Light laboratory, but how cool would it be to show up at a Halloween party with a real lightsaber? And the inevitable frat boy who makes fun of you and calls you a nerd for dressing up like a Jedi won’t be laughing when you remove his intestines with your extremely hot and sharp blade! And since its Halloween, you’ll totally get away with the gutting! After all, death and destruction are the name of the game on this holiday.

3.)    Give really odd “treats” to trick-or-treaters

There is absolutely no way you are going to be the most popular house this Halloween. That distinction goes to Mr. Jenkins two houses down, who gives out king-size candy bars. You see, Mr. Jenkins obtained what is called a “settlement” after his wife cheated on him with her boss, and now has quite a bit of discretionary income with which to purchase neighborhood popularity.

The only way for you to beat Jenkins is to give out treats that are far more unique! Some examples are:

·         Clumps of hairballs coughed up by your 8 cats.

·         Coupons for 20% off at Bed Bath and Beyond.

·         Copies of Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto.

·         Pictures of Ed Harris.

·         Fresh, organic figs.

·         Banned Disney World War II propaganda cartoons, (My favorite is, “You’re a Sap, Mr. Jap!”).

·         Exquisitely embroidered do-rags (Some spell it “durag” but they are wrong).

·         Cans of Diet Rite Cola.

If you take my advice and give out these incredibly unique treats, your house will be the most popular with the kiddos for years to come!

4.)    Wear an extremely dark costume, and trick-or-treat near busy highways

In fact, if you can, trick-or-treat along heavily traveled roads. If you really want to have fun, play “can you hear a car?” with your friends by blindfolding each other and running across said heavily traveled road. Run, don’t walk!

Also, make sure you cut your travel time on foot by cutting through dark alleys and under large bridges to reach your destinations. If you encounter any aggressive strangers, remember that you have a lightsaber/sword/nun-chucks/bo-staff and the strangers will probably want a demonstration of your skills.

5.)    If a house doesn’t answer your “trick-or-treat” call, find another way in.

Trust me, the folks that live there merely forgot that it is Halloween and have many things to give you when you get into their house. I would recommend going in through a window or the back door, preferably with a couple of your friends. This brings me back to the “use a real weapon” advice. When you get into the house, make sure you brandish the weapon around wildly asking for your treat. And make sure you run up to the home’s owner(s) as quickly as possible, again, brandishing your weapon. They’ll immediately remember that it’s Halloween and will thank you for reminding them.

I hope these tips help you to enjoy your Halloween! I also hope you get lots of candy and get REALLY fat on that candy, because I will look better than you by comparison. And when I look better than you; that, to me, is a successful Halloween.

Oh, and don’t forget:

Halloween is demonic.

Swine Flu with a Side of Mashed Potatoes

We are under a state of national emergency.

The last time this occurred, our nation had just experienced the most horrific domestic attack in its short history on September 11, 2001.

That time the enemy was Al-Qaeda, and, as we learned from the Bush Administration, all Muslims.

This time, the enemy is the flu.

THE FLU !


Albeit, a special, sexy version of your common flu virus.

This flu was originally called Swine Flu, based on the belief that the virus had originated in pigs on Mexican farms. This surprised me because I thought Mexico's land was too barren to support any life other than shrubs, tumbleweed, and Benicio del Toro. I learn something new everyday.

In fact, in South Korea, Israel, and the Netherlands, it is still called Mexican Flu.

I don't even need to make a joke out of that; It is it's own hilarity.

The moniker of Swine Flu caused a panic in the food industry, with countries like Japan banning all importation of pork from the Western Hemisphere. We responded by banning all Helllo Kitty and Pokemon merchandise from entering our sovereign land. Take THAT Emperor Meiji! That's what happens when you declare a trade war on the US pork industry. Remember the last time you declared war on us? How did that go for you?

In protest of this nonsense, I ate nothing but bacon for an entire day, and all I got was awful diarrhea and an immense acne outbreak. No flu, no death.

So, with the pork industry in a state of panic, the Swine Flu was renamed. Initially, they were going to call it the Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu, but SOME people had an issue with this. So they named it the H1N1 Novel Virus, sighting some type of ridiculous theory that it should be named after it's biological nomenclature. GAY.

Many people I know are panicking about the Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu, which has only been exacerbated by the Obama Administration declaring it's presence in the US a national emergency.

But is this truly an emergency of such epic proportions?

So far, in the US, 1,000 people have died of the Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu, whereas 800 people per week die from the common flu. In fact, the death rate of people hospitalized with common influenza in the US is 18%, while the death rate of diagnosed H1N1 in the US is less than 8%.

I personally know three people who have had swine flu, and yeah, they were sick as dogs. But none of them went to the ER, staying at home instead and getting lots of sleep and pushing fluids. One of them swears colloidal silver helped his body fight it off, but he's out of his mind anyway. Moreover, we all know colloidal silver turns you into a terrorist, so I would not recommend it to anybody except for those who are currently practicing terrorists, as it has the reverse affect on them.

Anyhoo,what is the point of declaring this a national emergency? With a news media that already feeds on sensationalism, this just allows them to collectively suck the teet of the White House, awaiting any more news on our national emergency. What a load of crap.

We saw the beginning of this sensationalism in late March, when health "experts" said the Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu would kill upwards of a million people in America, and could be worse than the flu pandemic of 1918-1919 that killed one million Americans and 50 million people worldwide. Obviously none of this has, or will, happen.

Remember SARS? Remember Bird Flu? Same crap. Media sensationalism followed by a massive letdown.

Next they'll probably find a mutated version of the virus, call it Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu II, and make the same outrageous claim about it that they made about Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu I. Only this time, Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu II will also give you AIDS. Not HIV, but full blown AIDS.

So wash our hands, don't makeout with someone exhibiting symptoms of Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu, and please, please eat lots of pork, even if you're Jewish.

Especially if you're Jewish.

Some Dachshunds are Evil

Today was moving day...

My Grandmother has lived with my parents for over 23 years, since I was four years old (I was far better looking back then, but less charming).

She was basically a second parent to me. As a child, she would play hide and seek with me (always hiding in the same freakin closet, c'mon Grandma!) make me snacks (peanut butter and banana sandwiches, nom nom nom nom nom!), and ensure that I caught the "dial-a-ride" bus to my classes. That's right, the dial a ride, which is basically a bus that you call to come pick you up and take you anywhere for money. I do not think they exist anymore, probably because they SUCKED.

Anyhoo, today, Grandma moved into an apartment at Mount Mercy in Grand Rapids.

The building itself looks like an immense castle from the exterior; with sprawling arches, jutting buttresses, and enormous stained glass windows. However, the interior looks like a school, with drab white cinder-block walls and dim lighting that has a dull flicker to it.

The hallways smell like farts. I assume this was because of the elderly folk mulling about in the halls, letting 'er rip because, hey, their old and what is there to do when you're old other than read, sleep, and fart.

Grandma's apartment was dusty to the point that I really wanted to clean it... which is odd for me because I never want to clean anything! It also has that really short industrial style carpet in it that might as well be made of cement because that's what it feels like.

Needless to say, I am a bit hesitant about Grandma living there. I am concerned that she will find her apartment to be rather confining, and will get lonely.

It was this concern that caused me to suggest at dinner with my cousins this evening that we buy her a dog.

You know, a little lap dog that would keep an 87 year old woman, (who claims she is 83), company in her little apartment.

My cousin Nellie suggested a Chihuahua, (no, Chihuahuas are evil Satan spawn), and my cousin Jon suggested a Dachshund, to which Nellie responded, "Some Dachshunds are bastards."

"Some Dachshunds are bastards."

The line brought me back in a weird deja-vu flashback moment to a time when I was a child and was chased up a tree by a snarling, angry Dachshund. It was the type of flashback that chills one to the bone, and makes one's testicles ascend into one's stomach.

It was then that it hit me: My cousin is absolutely right, some Dachshunds are bastards.

This begs the question: what causes some Dachshunds to be bastards?

Upon doing days of research, hours of field study, and minutes in a lab trying to make a bomb, I have come to a startling conclusion as to why so many Dachshunds are bastards: unforgiveness.

That's right, unforgiveness.

As a member of the hound family, the dachshund has been pooped on again, and again, and again.

They have nicknames such as "wiener dog" and "hot-dog dog" which refer to their elongated bodies.

They are also names used for penises.

The Dachshund has had trouble forgiving mankind for this atrocity, and this is one reason they are such evil bastards.

According to the American Kennel Club’s breed standards, "The Dachshund is clever, lively and courageous to the point of rashness, persevering in above and below ground work, with all the senses well-developed. Any display of shyness is a serious fault."

The key word here is "rashness". I cannot count how many times I have been cut off in traffic by one of these jerks. They also tend to live in areas where crime rates are high... Gee, I wonder why? God knows African Americans don't own Dachshunds, (they don't get along with Pit Bulls, Dobermans, or Marijuana), Asians are to busy doing math to commit crimes, and white people don't need to break the law since we all have cushy white-collar jobs and bring home six figures. America rules.

The only logical conclusion is that the Dachshunds have become sentient and are traveling their neighborhoods at night, robbing the elderly and vandalizing Honda Accords.

The breed is known to have spinal problems, especially intervertabral disk disease (IVDD), due in part to an extremely long spinal column and small rib cage. The risk of injury may be worsened by obesity, jumping, rough handling, or intense exercise, which place greater strain on the vertebrae.

What kind of crap is that? We have created a dog breed that can't do anything! And what dog have you ever met who doesn't enjoy jumping, rough handling, and being fat? NONE. One can only assume that the unforgiveness toward us for turning them into these monstrosities is immense.

Despite all of this, Some people train and enter their dachshund to compete in Dachshund racing, such as the Wiener Nationals (I swear to God this is what the competition is actually called).

There is also an annual dachshund run in Kennywood, located in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, called the Wiener 100, and in Huntington, West Virginia called the Dachshund Dash.

I recently interviewed Penis Metaphor, the winner of the 2009 Wiener 100. He claims that he is routinely criticized by his owners for being, "too slow and fat." He also commented on how good my steak looked and asked if he could eat it. I obliged him, and upon asking for my steak back, was met with a vicious growl. Bastard.

In conclusion, my cousin was right, some dachshunds are bastards. And unfortunately, the ones who aren't are all gay.

Christian Slater's Impact

So, my wife and I had some people over Sunday night and we all watched the rousing epic, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

This is not to be confused with the thoroughly unfunny Mel Brooks trash, Robin Hood: Men In Tights.

Seriously, if you have not seen the latter, go treat yourself to a comedy in which you will only laugh once or twice and will ponder whether or not the script only had one draft.

Anyhoo, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves is an absolute classic, and boasts the spectacular talents of Alan Rickman, Morgan Freeman, and Kevin Costner, (yes, there was a time, long ago, when Kevin Costner was relevant). The cast also has an unexpected young thespian practicing the art of acting in all of it's glory and beauty:

Christian Slater.

Before you can catch your breath at the mere mention of this angelic name, allow me to recommend that you read the rest of this blog out loud, and when you come to his name, whisper it, following with a "whooshing" sound; like a crisp autumn wind.

Let's practice.

Christian Slater (whooooooooooo).

Did you just get goose bumps up and down the most sensual areas of your body? I certainly did!

Christian Slater (whooooooooooo) shows up about 1/4 of the way into the film, sporting an incredibly melodic English accent that seems to slowly disappear as the movie goes on. He plays Will Scarlet, one of Robin's merry men who has a checkered past that aligns him with the film's protagonist.

The second he appeared on screen, My friends Ronzi, Brennen, and myself all let out gasps of gleeful girlish delight in seeing this hunk in his prime. My wife did not share our sentiments, but she apparently doesn't get the all-encompassing glory inherent in the vision that is: Christian Slater (whooooooooooo).

As we began to realize the organically epic qualities Christian Slater (whooooooooooo) was now lending to the film, we discussed the artistic ramifications of placing someone who is such a master at the craft of acting on the same screen with mere mortals like Freeman and Costner.

It was at this time, that my friend Joya, who is seven years younger than me, uttered a question that will haunt me for the rest of my days on this planet:

"Who is Christian Slater?"

I'm going to pause and let that sink in for a moment.

......
......
......

Really? Who is Christian Slater? Only the greatest actor to have ever graced us with his presence here on this fallen world!

Only the lone purveyor of all that is good, just, and proper!

Only the symbol of hope this nation needs so desperately, at such a time as this!

Christian Slater is man. And man is Christian Slater. Don't ask me to explain this, because I can't. But if you, the reader, are indeed as intelligent as any viewer of my blog should be, then you should completely understand the awesomeness that is, Christian Slater (whoooooooosh).

In retrospect, I cannot blame Joya for not knowing who our hero is. She grew up in an age just after Kuffs, Heathers, and Star Trek VI.

Wait, Star Trek VI?

Yes. Slater is so humble that he accepted a part in this film as an ensign, whose only scene was knocking on Captain Sulu's door to inform him that the Enterprise was on it's way to Khitomer to disrupt the peace negotiations. Slater stole this scene in its entirety, and certainly should have been nominated for 2 Academy Awards for Best Supporting Actor and Least Pretentious Member of the Cast.

After all of my friends had left, and my wife and I went to bed, I lay pondering the consequences of a life without Slater. How did Joya turn out so cool? Is my whole world and life outlook flawed? Is there something out there better than Christian Slater?

No...No there isn't. And I will have to accept that those without the knowledge of Slater, are those who will live without the benefits of knowing he's out there; fighting for us by appearing in quickly canceled TV shows and doing movies that are so bad, he makes them that much better.

Wait, now he has a BLOG?

Yes folks, now I have a blog.

Why would you want to read about the stuff I am going to write about?

No idea!

But I can promise you 3 things:

1.) You will be entertained!
2.) You will be 21% cooler and more likable with each read!
3.) You can take internet stalking to a whole new level by peaking in at intricate details of what
I am thinking!

I always thought blogs were about as lame as the people who typically write them. And by "typically" I mean "always".

However, I feel the sudden motivation to keep one myself. This could be because I am under the misinformed opinion that I am quite awesome, or that I can now say I am a "published writer" in interviews.

In my upcoming blogs, I will tell my story, the way I see it. This means it will probably be pretty fun and will not take itself too seriously.

So, what are you waiting for? Join me in my irreverent look at the world and it's incredible lies and constant disappointments! YAY!