Star Wars vs. Star Trek

Who would win in this battle? My guess: AMERICA.

For the sake of time, this post may not make any sense to those of you that are not nerds.

With that said, I think everybody has a little nerd in them. And if not, would you like some? HAHAHA

 

YES. This blog has been a long time coming my friends. The epic battle between two space operas that both have legions of devoted fans who will defend their favorite to the death. 

I have literally stayed up for hours on end without the use of ANY type of stimulant and debated this vast and unending controversy with my nerd friends.

And yes, no girls were there. Ever.

I stand on the Star Wars side, but I also love Star Trek, so I will stay as neutral as humanly possible for this debate. 

However, that doesn't mean I won't be completely biased when I see one side kicking the crap out of the other one in any given category.

But before we even get there, lets clear up a misconception that seems to lie in the mind of many women and a few (men) who must have been raised in a cave:

 

 STAR WARS AND STAR TREK ARE NOT THE SAME THING

Now that we've established this, let's continue.

Let's look at this age-old debate from several different angles.

1.) PROTAGONISTS

      Luke Skywalker vs. Captain Kirk

I know, "What about Captains Picard, Sisko, and Janeway?!?!"

Well, most Trekkers will agree that Kirk is the guy that started it all, so we'll stick with him.

 

Luke Skywalker started out as a whiny, annoying, flamboyantly gay farm boy who always complained and followed a strange old man who offered to teach him the ways of the Force, a mystical power with which Luke was completely unacquainted. Yeah, he blew up the Death Star, but without Han Solo (baller) and Obi-Wan Kenobi helping him, he would have missed the shot, the Death Star would have blown up Yavin IV, and the entire galaxy would live under the tyrannical Empire forever. The End. As time went on, Skywalker became less annoying, but was never as cool as Han Solo... EVER. Yeah, he helped bring his father, (An even whinier, more annoying brat), back to the good side, but this too wouldn't have meant anything had Han Solo not brought down the shield protecting Death Star II. 

 

Captain Kirk: B-A-L-L-E-R. First off, the guy is captain of the Federation's flagship. That alone is worth accolades. He also made out with women from pretty much every species in the galaxy, all in the name of diplomacy. B-A-L-L-E-R. In fact, Kirk also had the first inter-racial kiss on TV ever with Lt. Uhura. He always had a phaser by his side, but preferred fighting hand-to-hand, just to make things fair. B-A-L-L-E-R. Kirk also had help from his impressive cast of friends, especially Spock. Yet one never wondered whether or not Kirk could have managed to solve any issue on his own. He killed Khan, lost his best friend, found out he could resurrect his best friend, STOLE THE ENTERPRISE FROM SPACEDOCK, resurrected Spock, saved the Earth from some whale probe thing; and when it was all said and done, only got demoted for stealing and destroying the Enterprise. Most people would be court marshaled and executed for such things, Kirk managed to get demoted from Admiral to Captain ("Oh no, I can't train Starfleet Academy cadets on Earth anymore. Nooooooooo. ") and he got to command the newly rebuilt Enterprise, NCC 1701-A.  This guy is BALLING OUT OF CONTROL.

ADVANTAGE: STAR TREK 

2.) ANTAGONISTS

    There is nothing more sinister than Vader, Palpatine, and whoever the red guys are.

Darth Vader was voted the greatest movie villain ever by the American Film Institute and on a Yahoo poll I saw years ago. There is no better representation of evil than this half-man, half-machine, cloaked in all black, and voiced by James Earl Jones. He showed no mercy, ever; slaughtered countless Jedi children, cut off his son's hand, tortured his daughter, and oversaw the construction of two space stations that had the singular purpose(s) of destroying planets. He would be great to have at your side in a fight, and you would certainly not want to be caught at the receiving end of his force choke... or his lightsaber. When Vader turned back to the light side of the force, and Luke took off his helmet to reveal a weak old man, scarred and burnt to a crisp, it was a shock to everybody. That's Vader?!?! An old man?!?! I honestly wish Vader would have stayed evil, because that final reveal at the end of Return of the Jedi is a huge WTF moment for me. I know that it was how the story needed to end, but couldn't Vader have been cooler looking under the helmet? Or a black guy? Growing up I always thought he was...

Emperor Palpatine is just an evil bastard. He's like a coniving old politician, manipulating things to do his will while laughing hysterically at the chaos he's caused. In fact, I believe Palpatine very recently served in the US Senate...

   Apparently, Palpatine did not die in Return of the Jedi

I guess you could consider Boba Fett an antagonist... but he is simply too B.A. for my brain to wrap around without exploding.

So, yeah... Klingons. They're pretty tough and are very concerned with "honor". They als-- Wait, is that Christopher Lloyd?! Okay, that makes Klingons automatically cooler. They have a way of making you root for them, because they're not evil per se, they're just angry. Their heads look like butts and the only mustache style they can grow is a fu manchu. You know... I'm not going to talk any more about Klingons. That is Christopher Lloyd in the picture, and this is all that matters.

Romulans suck. They're just vulcans who are emotional. They even look exactly like Vulcans, so it's almost like Gene Roddenberry got lazy and said, "Let's just reuse the pointy ears, only, they're on bad guys this time."

The Borg rock. Their only concern is assimilating other species and adding other biological significance to their own. Why do they want to do this? Who cares? THEY'RE EVIL. And there's no way to destroy them. Even the Borg Queen has been killed several times, but since the Borg have a collective consciousness, she can never really die.

But none of Star Trek's villains matter because none of them can use a lightsaber.

ADVANTAGE: STAR WARS

3. SHIPS AND TECHNOLOGY

Lightsabers and Death Stars. 

Phasers and dilithium crystals? POOP.

ADVANTAGE: STAR WARS

4.) SUPPORTING CHARACTERS

 

Just two guys trying to watch the Lions get beat again, which angers Chewie. 

Han Solo is one of my favorite characters in any movie, EVER. He's a scoundrel pirate with a heart of gold. He doesn't take crap from anybody, and in the end, gets the girl and the Wookiee. And check out those boots! Solo is making a fashion statement very similar to what girls in their twenties are wearing today, and still manages to look like a total pimp. 

And Chewbacca? I mean... c'mon, IT'S CHEWBACCA. Never before has a character who only grunts and barks been so pivotal to any story (Sorry, Margot Kidder). And see that thing he's wearing across his chest? What is that? Does it matter? No. Chewbacca rules and anybody who thinks otherwise can call me on my personal phone line to have it out with me. 616-322-1309. Seriously, that's my number, call me. 

 

Yoda is the greatest muppet ever, and is the only muppet capable of MAKING ME CRY WHEN HE DIES. Who would have thought in those first scenes of Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back that the crazy little green guy who was bothering Luke was the most powerful Jedi Master alive? Not even Luke believed it, and Luke sucks! Yoda taught Luke how to be a Jedi unlike his father by keeping his emotions in check and by conquering his fears, a lesson we all could use from time to time. Moreover, Weird Al Yankovich wrote a song about Yoda that was better than the song it was based on, Eric Clapton's Lola.

Leia's alright, I guess. Kind of just filler in a galaxy ruled by (men). 

Never forget, evil Spock has a goatee.

A recent survey conducted by Entertainment Weekly found that Spock is the most popular alien in all of American media (Not Superman?!?!). And this is not without good reason, Spock is friggin Awesome. The weird thing is, I can't put my finger on why I find him so cool, because he's honestly kind of boring. I mean, the guy shows no emotion at all. But maybe that's his appeal; placed in perilous situations where certain death is imminent and the odds are grim, Spock stays as collected and stone-faced as Steven Segal after botox injections. Spock is the antithesis to Kirk's emotional nature. Their relationship is the perfect Yin and Yang symbiosis. Without Spock, there is no Star Trek.

Dr. McCoy is pretty sweet too. Watching he and Spock go at it is always enjoyable, particularly since McCoy is such a grouchy crotch, and it pisses him off that he can never get a rise out of Spock. And I loved how they never explained any of McCoy's medical devices; they simply made people better by beeping and flashing. As time went on, and as the entire cast got older, McCoy got less and less crotchety and even developed a friendly relationship with Spock. This could be due to McCoy carrying Spock's katra after Spock died, which allowed Spock to live again in the first place. By Star Trek VI, Spock and McCoy work together to save the Enterprise from assured destruction by performing "surgery" on a photon torpedo to allow it to track a cloaked Klingon Bird of Prey.

I really enjoyed watching the evolution of all relationships within Star Trek, and have trouble choosing between the two...

 

ADVANTAGE: DRAW

 5.) STRENGTH OF THE FILMS

 Star Wars: Episode I, The Phantom Menace

Garbage. Why, George? Why... I still have nightmares about that little jerk playing Anakin. "Yipee!"

Star Wars: Episode II, Attack of the Clones

Better... but not great. At least this film felt like Star Wars.

Star Wars: Episode III, Revenge of the Sith

Excellent. Dark, moody, and tragic. The final 30 minutes of this movie make up for all of the prequel trilogy's disappointments.

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

Classic. Four Stars. Amazing.

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

A rare sequel that is better than its predecessor. This is my favorite movie of all time.

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

I HATE EWOKS. But other than their annoying presence in this movie, it's dang near perfect. But seriously, EWOKS?! How am I supposed to believe that they could take down the Empire?

Star Trek: The Motion Picture

HAHAHA. What a piece of crap. 2 hours of sitting and watching paint dry. I would rather watch Episode I. Seriously, Episode I.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

This movie rules. So awesome it makes you wish it had been the first one."KHAAAAAN!!!"

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

Pretty good. And this is the one with Christopher Lloyd, so WATCH IT.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

A funny Trek movie? Yup. I enjoy this one.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

So, in this one, the crew finds God in the center of the galaxy. Yep, God. Wack. Awful. Bad special effects. Unacceptable.

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

PHAT. Lots of action and sweet space battles.

Star Trek VII through X

Who cares? Spock's not these. "But Data is!" Stuff Data. SPOCK!

Star Trek XI

The new Star Trek movie is AWESOME. What an incredible re-boot of the franchise. I can't wait for the next one.

"MARTY!"

ADVANTAGE: CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

So... who wins this battle?

Neither.

Whichever one you like best wins. They're both awesome franchises and they both have high points and low points.

Again, I personally prefer Star Wars. But if you prefer Star Trek, or Stargate, or Lord of the Rings, then you stick with that and run with it!

Unless you prefer Twilight.

TWILIGHT SUCKS

 

 

Jolly Ranchers

I quit smoking almost 2 1/2 years ago.

This has not been without its sporadic and infrequent relapse(s), but I went from being a pack-a-day smoker to being a non-smoker overnight.

It was right around the time I decided to get really involved with my church, that I quit. I was under the assumption that Jesus wouldn't bless me if I was a smoker. This is incorrect, but what IS correct is that smoking is gross and it got me some dirty looks... ESPECIALLY with the church crowd.

I did not quit cold turkey, however. I had help.



Nicorette.

Well, it wasn't real, brand name Nicorette. I started on "nicotine polarex gum" that my father ordered from Canada when he quit smoking. I moved from the Canadian Nicorette to the Walgreens Nicorette, which loses its flavor in about 20 seconds.

I did the nicotine gum system, just like the little pamphlet in the box told me to. But at the end of the 3 month treatment, I was still chewing the gum constantly; at least 4 pieces a day.

I have chewed the nicotine gum since I quit. And have found it VERY difficult to quit the freaking gum!

Ironic, no? The weapon I used to stop smoking turned on me and is now a thorn in my side.

But I have a new weapon, sharper than a lightsaber and cunning as a snake.

Jolly Ranchers.

Oh, how I love them!

Seriously, even if you're having the crappiest, piss poor day ever, open up that familiar little wrapper and pop the candy in your mouth...

REDEMPTION!
CLIMAX!
HOPE!
LOVE!
CONFIDENCE!

It is absolutely incredible how effective these little sugary pills can be.

My favorite flavor is grape. It literally explodes with the flavor of ripe concord grapes fresh off the vine.

My least favorite flavor, however, is blue raspberry.

And it's not that I dislike the flavor per se, but I have an issue with the concept of this particular Jolly Rancher.

There is no such thing as a blue raspberry

 

I feel as if I am drowning in a pool of deception by indulging this flavor.

Thus, I will avoid the blue raspberry ranchers at all cost. We keep a bowl of Jolly Ranchers in our family room and towards the end of a batch, there ends up being only blue raspberry.

Does anybody know of anywhere that I can donate the blue raspberry Jolly Ranchers to starving children in Kenya?

Whenever I get the craving for a piece of nicotine gum, I pop in a Jolly Rancher instead. This has been serving me well thus far, and I am down to chewing only one piece of nicotine gum per day.

In fact, it has gotten to the point that I barely have the typical "nic fits" anymore! This may not sound exciting to you, but it is very exciting for me.

I am hoping that, with the help of God, Moo, and my little explosions of fruity goodness, that I can kick nicotine once and for all!

GO HABERLEIN !!!









On a completely unrelated note, if I was a Power Ranger, my dinosaur would be the Pteranodon.

Server Manifesto

So yeah, I’m a server.

I work at Carrabbas Italian Grill in Grandville, MI. Grandville is an extremely conservative suburb of Grand Rapids, filled with tons of great churches, and more cheap folk than I can handle.


But, I do handle it, because I have to; otherwise I don’t get tipped the customary Dutch 15% for EXCEPTIONAL service.

This, by the way, is not enough for amazingly good service.

Most people will tell you that great service should get a 20% tip, and everybody seems to get this…

Except the Dutch, and the elderly.

Not all Dutch tip poorly, but I would give it about an 80% of those who do.

And it should be noted that 90% of the elderly people that enter our humble establishment are Dutch, so I generally loathe taking their tables.

Now please don't misappropriate what I am saying. I love elderly people and find the Dutch to be a generally very friendly and good looking people (My wife is Dutch, and she is super hot!). However, both groups can be very difficult to wait on and nearly impossible to please.

You see, a server is not just somebody who brings you your food. We are a part of the public relations arm of our restaurant. If I give you crappy service, you will probably not return to Carrabbas and will tell all of your peers about the bad service you had. And if enough people do not return to Carrabbas, we go out of business. Thus, I ensure that I give the best service that is humanly possible.

But sometimes, that doesn’t seem to be enough.

I am now going to document my 5 biggest pet-peeves of serving. These are in no particular order.

1.) Camping

Look,I understand that you would like to talk to your friend(s)/loved one(s)/lover(s) for an extended period of time. But sitting in my section at the same table for 3 hours and subsequently tipping 15% on the bill is UNACCEPTABLE. I could have been sat in that table at least 3 more times and made far more money on a given night had you not been sitting there. Go to a coffee house if you feel the need to socialize for an extremely long period of time.

2.) “Canadians “

Please, “Canadians”, PLEASE start tipping more than $3 on a $50 bill. And please stop ordering off the menu by modifying your dish so completely that we might as well rename it Pasta “Canadian”. No, your food will not be up soon because you ordered a well-done filet… would you like some ketchup with it? And for your beverage choice I will, of course, bring you water with at least 10 lemons and some sugar so you can make homemade lemonade. At $.05 a pop for lemons, I will ensure it ends up on your bill. Sure you can talk to my manager! He’ll be over within 20 minutes.

3.) The Grumpy Elderly

Let me start by saying, thank you for World War II. Without you, we would be living under a Nazi regime. But that does not give you an excuse to be mean and grumpy; complaining about every little thing that doesn’t suit you. There is no way that I can brew coffee that is hot enough for you without dragging it through the lake of fire in which all unrighteous will be judged! Please tone down the perfume (elderly ladies) or Old Spice (elderly men). There is no reason that you should be wearing that much of a scent unless you are trying to cover up a much more foul odor. Moreover, it is okay to try new things! You can make spaghetti and lasagna at home; why not try one of our signature dishes instead? No, you may not have a half-order or Sirloin Marsala, because that leaves us with another half of a 10 oz. steak that will probably not be ordered.

4.) No se habla Inglese

You want a menu with pictures on it so you can point to what you want? I’m sorry; we do not have a menu with pictures on it. You now live in America, and it may be time for you to learn our language, as we do not have a translated menu for you. No, we do not have Fanta or Pineapple Goya for you to drink, but we do have Corona and Dos XX! And would you PLEASE control your four kids who are all under the age of 5? I can’t understand what they’re yelling, and it is impolite for them to continue to try and write on my apron. By the way, I know quite a bit of Spanish, so when you are making fun of my nose in your native tongue, I know exactly what you are saying.

5.) Tract Leavers

As a Christian, this angers me the most. Leaving a “tip” that points your server towards accepting Christ is all well and good, but you actually do more harm to the Great Commission when you do this WITHOUT LEAVING A CASH TIP. Seriously? On what planet do you think this would be acceptable? The Apostle Paul would leave a tip, AND a tract. In fact, if you’re leaving a tract, leave a great tip and be friendly. Show me your fruit, and let me see Christ working through you. This is the way to win your unbelieving pagan server to the Lord. And just because I am a server, does not mean I am a wild partier who is addicted to drugs and has promiscuous sex with all of my co-workers.

Here are 10 more pet-peeves that come up regularly on any given shift.

10. Changing their mind after the food is delivered because something else "looks better".
9. Licking their fingers, plates or sucking the marrow out of bones.
8. Waving "hello" to the server even though the server has been waiting on them for over an hour.
7. Being nice and cordial, until the check arrives, and then complaining about the service.
6. Piling the plates up at the end of the table as soon as they are done eating.
5. Ordering something off the menu, then when the check arrives, complaining about the price.
4. Complaining that the food took so long, even though we can prove it only took 15 minutes since they ordered.
3. Using hand gestures when asking for things, like a peppermill or a menu.
2. Yelling at any hostess for a table, it's not her fault that the table will not leave.
1. Flirting, you are not funny or cute, if we laugh once, you may be funny, twice, we are humoring you, three times and you are now annoying.


In closing, if you don’t know proper etiquette when dining out, just stay home. There is no need to be rude and impatient at a restaurant unless things are going really poorly with your service or meal. So chill out, relax, and let me serve you.