Swine Flu with a Side of Mashed Potatoes

We are under a state of national emergency.

The last time this occurred, our nation had just experienced the most horrific domestic attack in its short history on September 11, 2001.

That time the enemy was Al-Qaeda, and, as we learned from the Bush Administration, all Muslims.

This time, the enemy is the flu.

THE FLU !


Albeit, a special, sexy version of your common flu virus.

This flu was originally called Swine Flu, based on the belief that the virus had originated in pigs on Mexican farms. This surprised me because I thought Mexico's land was too barren to support any life other than shrubs, tumbleweed, and Benicio del Toro. I learn something new everyday.

In fact, in South Korea, Israel, and the Netherlands, it is still called Mexican Flu.

I don't even need to make a joke out of that; It is it's own hilarity.

The moniker of Swine Flu caused a panic in the food industry, with countries like Japan banning all importation of pork from the Western Hemisphere. We responded by banning all Helllo Kitty and Pokemon merchandise from entering our sovereign land. Take THAT Emperor Meiji! That's what happens when you declare a trade war on the US pork industry. Remember the last time you declared war on us? How did that go for you?

In protest of this nonsense, I ate nothing but bacon for an entire day, and all I got was awful diarrhea and an immense acne outbreak. No flu, no death.

So, with the pork industry in a state of panic, the Swine Flu was renamed. Initially, they were going to call it the Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu, but SOME people had an issue with this. So they named it the H1N1 Novel Virus, sighting some type of ridiculous theory that it should be named after it's biological nomenclature. GAY.

Many people I know are panicking about the Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu, which has only been exacerbated by the Obama Administration declaring it's presence in the US a national emergency.

But is this truly an emergency of such epic proportions?

So far, in the US, 1,000 people have died of the Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu, whereas 800 people per week die from the common flu. In fact, the death rate of people hospitalized with common influenza in the US is 18%, while the death rate of diagnosed H1N1 in the US is less than 8%.

I personally know three people who have had swine flu, and yeah, they were sick as dogs. But none of them went to the ER, staying at home instead and getting lots of sleep and pushing fluids. One of them swears colloidal silver helped his body fight it off, but he's out of his mind anyway. Moreover, we all know colloidal silver turns you into a terrorist, so I would not recommend it to anybody except for those who are currently practicing terrorists, as it has the reverse affect on them.

Anyhoo,what is the point of declaring this a national emergency? With a news media that already feeds on sensationalism, this just allows them to collectively suck the teet of the White House, awaiting any more news on our national emergency. What a load of crap.

We saw the beginning of this sensationalism in late March, when health "experts" said the Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu would kill upwards of a million people in America, and could be worse than the flu pandemic of 1918-1919 that killed one million Americans and 50 million people worldwide. Obviously none of this has, or will, happen.

Remember SARS? Remember Bird Flu? Same crap. Media sensationalism followed by a massive letdown.

Next they'll probably find a mutated version of the virus, call it Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu II, and make the same outrageous claim about it that they made about Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu I. Only this time, Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu II will also give you AIDS. Not HIV, but full blown AIDS.

So wash our hands, don't makeout with someone exhibiting symptoms of Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu, and please, please eat lots of pork, even if you're Jewish.

Especially if you're Jewish.