Server Manifesto 2: The Return of the Angry Waiter

It's been a long time coming, and here it is.

Forgive me for not blogging for quite some time, my avid, foaming at the mouth followers.

I graduated from college and got a job at a local hospital in HR, and have been quite busy doing grown-up stuff.

And as it turns out grown-up stuff is really boring and repressive.

My first Server's Manifesto generated quite a bit of response... and criticism.

"If you hate your job so much, why don't you quit?"

I do not hate my job AT ALL. In fact, it is my love for my job that inspires me to write about it.

"I'm sick of you people complaining about not getting tipped."

You, sir, are the reason why I write this. Your flippant attitude towards recognizing good service monetarily does a disservice to all of us in the restaurant industry.

And what do you mean, "you people"?!

"You suck."

Yes, sometimes that is true. But I am a righteously good server, and have been recognized often with rewards and promotion to trainer status. I also fart a lot around my tables and they don't seem to mind at all.

"Are you gay?"

Only on Tuesdays.

For this manifesto, I quickly interviewed some of my co-workers to get some of their pet-peeves about the job.

Thanks to: Katie, Kim B, Kim C, Richard, Adam, Rayjay, Meghan, and Laura for your input. You are all good at your jobs...

 Except for you, Rayjay. You're WACK.



1.) Ordering One beverage and splitting it

Really folks? Do you think we don't notice? I understand the desire to keep the cost of your bill down,  but you are cheating. This practice requires your server to refill the beverage twice as much, and we should honestly be charging you for two beverages, but know that you will flip a wig if we do. Just know that we talk about you  behind your back and think you are the lowest common denominator.

Well, no. The lowest common denominator is Canadians.

2.) Gift Cards + Tipping

When using a gift card to pay for part, or all of your bill, you should still tip on THE ENTIRETY OF THE BILL. I had a guest with a $75 bill the other night, and they paid part of it with a $50 gift card, leaving $25 left as the balance. They then paid for the balance by using their credit card and tipped me 20% off of the $25 balance and wrote "Great Service!" on the receipt.

 REALLY? Was it really great service? Because your tip indicates to me that it wasn't. And don't give the excuse of "I didn't know I was supposed to tip off the whole bill." That is nonsense. Now granted, this does not happen often to me. However, when it does it is absolutely infuriating. A portion of your bill was basically free for you. If it were me, that would motivate me to actually tip more than normal for exceptional service.

3.) No Acknowledgment

There is a distinct group of people who simply do not know how to eat out. This group can be identified by a server within 3 seconds of approaching the table:

"Hello folks, how are you tonight?"

:: silence ::

"Alright! My name is Michael and I'll be taking care of you this evening. Have you visited our restaurant before?"

:: silence ::

It is at this point that I begin to get heated. It is just rude to not even acknowledge me. In fact, I would rather have a guest complain about their food and send it back constantly than to have this lack of response.

And I understand that maybe you're having a rough night. Maybe you just got into a fight with the person sitting across from you. Maybe you came from a funeral. Maybe somebody cut your brake lines and you lost control of your car, plummeting off of a cliff and leaping for your life before your vehicle exploded on impact.

But just fake it. Just talk to me. I can be your greatest ally in this dance of give-and-take known as dining out.

4.) Tracts (Again)

There is a new tract that I have seen now twice, and I do not have words as to how much it pisses me off when I see it.

But I sure as hell am gonna try...

It is a fake 100 dollar bill that is supposed to be left jutting out of the top of a bill-booklet like so:

Like any server, I approached the table that had it sticking out, (The guests had already paid with a credit card and left), and noticed there was a Benjamin sticking out the top of it. I immediately thought, "Oh maylanta! They were so impressed by my service that they left me a 100% tip! (Their bill was around $105 as I recall).

Much to my dismay, I opened the book to reveal this:

I then turned it over and read the incredibly intuitive message on the back:

Disappointed? Jesus won't let you down. Make Jesus Christ Lord of your life!

Really?


Seriously?

Okay, let's step back and examine this for a second...

The person who stuck this into my book obviously thinks I am un-saved (wrong). They also are under the impression that building up my hopes of a fantastic monetary compensation for my stellar service is in some way wither funny or is "okay" as long as the message is delivered. They also obviously really want my attention and do not want me to forget this tract by causing me to have an emotional response, albeit an ultimately negative one, to the fact that I thought there was a $100 bill left for me as a tip. They assume by getting my attention with an extremely positive emotion (hope) and then shooting it down with an incredibly negative one (disappointment) I will want to except Christ as my Lord and Savior so that I, too, can have Christian paraphernalia like this...

IN WHAT REALM OF SANITY IS THIS OKAY?!?!

I can literally picture Jesus seeing this occurring and thinking, "Why do my people do this?!?!"

Christians, please. PLEASE stop handing this garbage out. Period. Tip your server well if they deserve it and be Christ-like in your dealings with them. This tract is absolutely outrageous and does far more harm than good in spreading the gospel.

Incredible...

5.) Change Tips

Ah yes, change tips. How cute. I love getting back to a table after the guests have left to find a mound of pennies, nickles, dimes, and maybe a couple quarters sitting there. Usually this is done by high-school aged kids, who apparently save up all of their unwanted change and bring it in with them to restaurants to give to us as tips.

And usually it diesn't amount to even near a 15% gratuity, which just ads insult to injury.

Look kids, if you're gonna eat out, and you are going to leave me a crappy tip anyway, just go to the bank before hand and trade in your lunch change for bills.

And I know what some of you are going to say, "But it's legal tender!"

Shut up betch.

I know that.

It is incredibly inconvenient and time consuming legal tender. I would rather get one dollar bill than three dollars in coins. I mean that.

These server manifestos will be continuing throughout my illustrious career. As I see more and more nonsense when it comes to the way we are treated, I will continue to fight back using the best weapon(s) I have: the written word... and swords!