Server Manifesto 2: The Return of the Angry Waiter

It's been a long time coming, and here it is.

Forgive me for not blogging for quite some time, my avid, foaming at the mouth followers.

I graduated from college and got a job at a local hospital in HR, and have been quite busy doing grown-up stuff.

And as it turns out grown-up stuff is really boring and repressive.

My first Server's Manifesto generated quite a bit of response... and criticism.

"If you hate your job so much, why don't you quit?"

I do not hate my job AT ALL. In fact, it is my love for my job that inspires me to write about it.

"I'm sick of you people complaining about not getting tipped."

You, sir, are the reason why I write this. Your flippant attitude towards recognizing good service monetarily does a disservice to all of us in the restaurant industry.

And what do you mean, "you people"?!

"You suck."

Yes, sometimes that is true. But I am a righteously good server, and have been recognized often with rewards and promotion to trainer status. I also fart a lot around my tables and they don't seem to mind at all.

"Are you gay?"

Only on Tuesdays.

For this manifesto, I quickly interviewed some of my co-workers to get some of their pet-peeves about the job.

Thanks to: Katie, Kim B, Kim C, Richard, Adam, Rayjay, Meghan, and Laura for your input. You are all good at your jobs...

 Except for you, Rayjay. You're WACK.



1.) Ordering One beverage and splitting it

Really folks? Do you think we don't notice? I understand the desire to keep the cost of your bill down,  but you are cheating. This practice requires your server to refill the beverage twice as much, and we should honestly be charging you for two beverages, but know that you will flip a wig if we do. Just know that we talk about you  behind your back and think you are the lowest common denominator.

Well, no. The lowest common denominator is Canadians.

2.) Gift Cards + Tipping

When using a gift card to pay for part, or all of your bill, you should still tip on THE ENTIRETY OF THE BILL. I had a guest with a $75 bill the other night, and they paid part of it with a $50 gift card, leaving $25 left as the balance. They then paid for the balance by using their credit card and tipped me 20% off of the $25 balance and wrote "Great Service!" on the receipt.

 REALLY? Was it really great service? Because your tip indicates to me that it wasn't. And don't give the excuse of "I didn't know I was supposed to tip off the whole bill." That is nonsense. Now granted, this does not happen often to me. However, when it does it is absolutely infuriating. A portion of your bill was basically free for you. If it were me, that would motivate me to actually tip more than normal for exceptional service.

3.) No Acknowledgment

There is a distinct group of people who simply do not know how to eat out. This group can be identified by a server within 3 seconds of approaching the table:

"Hello folks, how are you tonight?"

:: silence ::

"Alright! My name is Michael and I'll be taking care of you this evening. Have you visited our restaurant before?"

:: silence ::

It is at this point that I begin to get heated. It is just rude to not even acknowledge me. In fact, I would rather have a guest complain about their food and send it back constantly than to have this lack of response.

And I understand that maybe you're having a rough night. Maybe you just got into a fight with the person sitting across from you. Maybe you came from a funeral. Maybe somebody cut your brake lines and you lost control of your car, plummeting off of a cliff and leaping for your life before your vehicle exploded on impact.

But just fake it. Just talk to me. I can be your greatest ally in this dance of give-and-take known as dining out.

4.) Tracts (Again)

There is a new tract that I have seen now twice, and I do not have words as to how much it pisses me off when I see it.

But I sure as hell am gonna try...

It is a fake 100 dollar bill that is supposed to be left jutting out of the top of a bill-booklet like so:

Like any server, I approached the table that had it sticking out, (The guests had already paid with a credit card and left), and noticed there was a Benjamin sticking out the top of it. I immediately thought, "Oh maylanta! They were so impressed by my service that they left me a 100% tip! (Their bill was around $105 as I recall).

Much to my dismay, I opened the book to reveal this:

I then turned it over and read the incredibly intuitive message on the back:

Disappointed? Jesus won't let you down. Make Jesus Christ Lord of your life!

Really?


Seriously?

Okay, let's step back and examine this for a second...

The person who stuck this into my book obviously thinks I am un-saved (wrong). They also are under the impression that building up my hopes of a fantastic monetary compensation for my stellar service is in some way wither funny or is "okay" as long as the message is delivered. They also obviously really want my attention and do not want me to forget this tract by causing me to have an emotional response, albeit an ultimately negative one, to the fact that I thought there was a $100 bill left for me as a tip. They assume by getting my attention with an extremely positive emotion (hope) and then shooting it down with an incredibly negative one (disappointment) I will want to except Christ as my Lord and Savior so that I, too, can have Christian paraphernalia like this...

IN WHAT REALM OF SANITY IS THIS OKAY?!?!

I can literally picture Jesus seeing this occurring and thinking, "Why do my people do this?!?!"

Christians, please. PLEASE stop handing this garbage out. Period. Tip your server well if they deserve it and be Christ-like in your dealings with them. This tract is absolutely outrageous and does far more harm than good in spreading the gospel.

Incredible...

5.) Change Tips

Ah yes, change tips. How cute. I love getting back to a table after the guests have left to find a mound of pennies, nickles, dimes, and maybe a couple quarters sitting there. Usually this is done by high-school aged kids, who apparently save up all of their unwanted change and bring it in with them to restaurants to give to us as tips.

And usually it diesn't amount to even near a 15% gratuity, which just ads insult to injury.

Look kids, if you're gonna eat out, and you are going to leave me a crappy tip anyway, just go to the bank before hand and trade in your lunch change for bills.

And I know what some of you are going to say, "But it's legal tender!"

Shut up betch.

I know that.

It is incredibly inconvenient and time consuming legal tender. I would rather get one dollar bill than three dollars in coins. I mean that.

These server manifestos will be continuing throughout my illustrious career. As I see more and more nonsense when it comes to the way we are treated, I will continue to fight back using the best weapon(s) I have: the written word... and swords!

CHRISTmas

"I am a Jew, and every single one of  my ancestors was Jewish. And  it does not bother me even a little bit when people call  those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas  trees. I  don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are,  Christmas trees.

 

 It doesn't bother me a bit when  people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I  don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to  put me in a ghetto... In  fact, I kind of like it. It  shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating  this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all  that there is a manger scene on display at a key  intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If  people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is  the Menorah a few hundred yards away."

-Ben Stein

"Well of course Christmas is about Christ you f***ing dolt! It's right there in the name of the f***ing holiday, isn't it? And just because I don't personally believe in the deity of Jesus, doesn't mean I can't have fun on the holiday celebrating his birth!"

- Sir Elton John 

I was encouraged by one of my managers to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" so as not to offend anybody.

And as far as I'm concerned, they can kiss it.

Christmas is celebrated by 87% of the American population, according to CNN.com.

There has been a consistant push by certain folks to take Christ out of Christmas completely.

But do you see the first six letters in the word Christmas? What do they spell?

President Obama has decided to call the White House Christmas tree a "holiday tree," in an effort to have the first non-religious White House Christmas ever.

CHRISTMAS IS THE ONLY HOLIDAY WHERE ONE PUTS UP A TREE AND DECORATES IT.

Obama also has sought to ban the traditional 18th Century Nativity scene that has been displayed every year in the White House since 1967. He wants to make Christmas "all inclusive."

While I understand the sentiments, the execution is all wrong. In order to make Christmas all inclusive you're going to alienate those that feel most passionate about it? FAIL.

Calling it a holiday tree is absurd. It's like calling 4th of July fireworks, "Celebration Explosions." It completely takes the meaning out of the object(s), thus causing them to be completely pointless.

And since its a holiday tree, should I put one up on St. Patrick's Day? Martin Luther King Jr. Day? Armistice Day? In commemoration of May 25, 1977 when Star Wars hit theaters?

Speaking of which, have you ever wondered how we got the tradition of putting up a live pine tree in our homes and decorating it in memory of Christ's birth?

Well, upon doing decades of research and logging thousands of hours in a lab, I have discovered its origin:

Pagan ritual.

It was originally derived from the Roman Saturnalia, a feast in which the Romans celebrated the dedication of the temple to the Roman god Saturn. They would bring Evergreen coniferous trees into homes for the feast as a reminder that Saturn is able to destroy and that all things in nature are to be respected.

How cutting down and subsequantly killing a pine tree accomplishes this is beyond me...

The custom of erecting a Christmas tree can be traced to 16th century Northern Germany, though neither an inventor nor a single town can be identified as the sole origin for the tradition. The tradition spread rapidly throughout Germany and abroad. "It was not until the beginning of the nineteenth century, however, that it spread rapidly and grew into a general German custom, which was soon accepted also by the Slavic people of Eastern Europe…" (James Hewitt, The Christmas Tree, 2007, p. 12).

As it spread throughout Europe, the Roman Catholic Church tried to ban it, calling it idolatry (ironic?). But they gave up rather quickly noting the popularity of the Christmas tree and fully accepted the practice in the early 18th century.

Thus, with the chuurch accepting the Christmas tree, it quickly became a staple in Christian, and non-Christian homes alike.

However, it has always been called a Christmas tree since the 16th century.

So, why do we feel the need to change it now?

I, like Ben Stein, am tired of being made to feel that I am offending people by sharing my beliefs, and for believing in God.

If you don't believe in God, that's fine. Just stop trying to censor my beliefs by sanitizing literally every single aspect of Christmas that has references to Christ.

I have no problem with Santa Claus, Mistletoe, Yule Logs, and other forms of Christmas celebration that have nothing to do with Christ's birth. But I do have a problem with a government that is trying to completely censor Christ out of Christmas.

Eric Metaxes, former editor of the Record at Yale University, put it this way: "If President Obama wanted to fuel the fears of every serious Christian in America and actually prove that he is every bad thing they've ever heard about him on every crazy Web site, the idea of symbolically taking Jesus out of the White House at Christmas would be just the ticket!"

Trust me people, the Christian church is a sleeping giant.

If we continue to get our rights trampled on, in favor of "equality" we will fight back.

Star Wars vs. Star Trek

Who would win in this battle? My guess: AMERICA.

For the sake of time, this post may not make any sense to those of you that are not nerds.

With that said, I think everybody has a little nerd in them. And if not, would you like some? HAHAHA

 

YES. This blog has been a long time coming my friends. The epic battle between two space operas that both have legions of devoted fans who will defend their favorite to the death. 

I have literally stayed up for hours on end without the use of ANY type of stimulant and debated this vast and unending controversy with my nerd friends.

And yes, no girls were there. Ever.

I stand on the Star Wars side, but I also love Star Trek, so I will stay as neutral as humanly possible for this debate. 

However, that doesn't mean I won't be completely biased when I see one side kicking the crap out of the other one in any given category.

But before we even get there, lets clear up a misconception that seems to lie in the mind of many women and a few (men) who must have been raised in a cave:

 

 STAR WARS AND STAR TREK ARE NOT THE SAME THING

Now that we've established this, let's continue.

Let's look at this age-old debate from several different angles.

1.) PROTAGONISTS

      Luke Skywalker vs. Captain Kirk

I know, "What about Captains Picard, Sisko, and Janeway?!?!"

Well, most Trekkers will agree that Kirk is the guy that started it all, so we'll stick with him.

 

Luke Skywalker started out as a whiny, annoying, flamboyantly gay farm boy who always complained and followed a strange old man who offered to teach him the ways of the Force, a mystical power with which Luke was completely unacquainted. Yeah, he blew up the Death Star, but without Han Solo (baller) and Obi-Wan Kenobi helping him, he would have missed the shot, the Death Star would have blown up Yavin IV, and the entire galaxy would live under the tyrannical Empire forever. The End. As time went on, Skywalker became less annoying, but was never as cool as Han Solo... EVER. Yeah, he helped bring his father, (An even whinier, more annoying brat), back to the good side, but this too wouldn't have meant anything had Han Solo not brought down the shield protecting Death Star II. 

 

Captain Kirk: B-A-L-L-E-R. First off, the guy is captain of the Federation's flagship. That alone is worth accolades. He also made out with women from pretty much every species in the galaxy, all in the name of diplomacy. B-A-L-L-E-R. In fact, Kirk also had the first inter-racial kiss on TV ever with Lt. Uhura. He always had a phaser by his side, but preferred fighting hand-to-hand, just to make things fair. B-A-L-L-E-R. Kirk also had help from his impressive cast of friends, especially Spock. Yet one never wondered whether or not Kirk could have managed to solve any issue on his own. He killed Khan, lost his best friend, found out he could resurrect his best friend, STOLE THE ENTERPRISE FROM SPACEDOCK, resurrected Spock, saved the Earth from some whale probe thing; and when it was all said and done, only got demoted for stealing and destroying the Enterprise. Most people would be court marshaled and executed for such things, Kirk managed to get demoted from Admiral to Captain ("Oh no, I can't train Starfleet Academy cadets on Earth anymore. Nooooooooo. ") and he got to command the newly rebuilt Enterprise, NCC 1701-A.  This guy is BALLING OUT OF CONTROL.

ADVANTAGE: STAR TREK 

2.) ANTAGONISTS

    There is nothing more sinister than Vader, Palpatine, and whoever the red guys are.

Darth Vader was voted the greatest movie villain ever by the American Film Institute and on a Yahoo poll I saw years ago. There is no better representation of evil than this half-man, half-machine, cloaked in all black, and voiced by James Earl Jones. He showed no mercy, ever; slaughtered countless Jedi children, cut off his son's hand, tortured his daughter, and oversaw the construction of two space stations that had the singular purpose(s) of destroying planets. He would be great to have at your side in a fight, and you would certainly not want to be caught at the receiving end of his force choke... or his lightsaber. When Vader turned back to the light side of the force, and Luke took off his helmet to reveal a weak old man, scarred and burnt to a crisp, it was a shock to everybody. That's Vader?!?! An old man?!?! I honestly wish Vader would have stayed evil, because that final reveal at the end of Return of the Jedi is a huge WTF moment for me. I know that it was how the story needed to end, but couldn't Vader have been cooler looking under the helmet? Or a black guy? Growing up I always thought he was...

Emperor Palpatine is just an evil bastard. He's like a coniving old politician, manipulating things to do his will while laughing hysterically at the chaos he's caused. In fact, I believe Palpatine very recently served in the US Senate...

   Apparently, Palpatine did not die in Return of the Jedi

I guess you could consider Boba Fett an antagonist... but he is simply too B.A. for my brain to wrap around without exploding.

So, yeah... Klingons. They're pretty tough and are very concerned with "honor". They als-- Wait, is that Christopher Lloyd?! Okay, that makes Klingons automatically cooler. They have a way of making you root for them, because they're not evil per se, they're just angry. Their heads look like butts and the only mustache style they can grow is a fu manchu. You know... I'm not going to talk any more about Klingons. That is Christopher Lloyd in the picture, and this is all that matters.

Romulans suck. They're just vulcans who are emotional. They even look exactly like Vulcans, so it's almost like Gene Roddenberry got lazy and said, "Let's just reuse the pointy ears, only, they're on bad guys this time."

The Borg rock. Their only concern is assimilating other species and adding other biological significance to their own. Why do they want to do this? Who cares? THEY'RE EVIL. And there's no way to destroy them. Even the Borg Queen has been killed several times, but since the Borg have a collective consciousness, she can never really die.

But none of Star Trek's villains matter because none of them can use a lightsaber.

ADVANTAGE: STAR WARS

3. SHIPS AND TECHNOLOGY

Lightsabers and Death Stars. 

Phasers and dilithium crystals? POOP.

ADVANTAGE: STAR WARS

4.) SUPPORTING CHARACTERS

 

Just two guys trying to watch the Lions get beat again, which angers Chewie. 

Han Solo is one of my favorite characters in any movie, EVER. He's a scoundrel pirate with a heart of gold. He doesn't take crap from anybody, and in the end, gets the girl and the Wookiee. And check out those boots! Solo is making a fashion statement very similar to what girls in their twenties are wearing today, and still manages to look like a total pimp. 

And Chewbacca? I mean... c'mon, IT'S CHEWBACCA. Never before has a character who only grunts and barks been so pivotal to any story (Sorry, Margot Kidder). And see that thing he's wearing across his chest? What is that? Does it matter? No. Chewbacca rules and anybody who thinks otherwise can call me on my personal phone line to have it out with me. 616-322-1309. Seriously, that's my number, call me. 

 

Yoda is the greatest muppet ever, and is the only muppet capable of MAKING ME CRY WHEN HE DIES. Who would have thought in those first scenes of Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back that the crazy little green guy who was bothering Luke was the most powerful Jedi Master alive? Not even Luke believed it, and Luke sucks! Yoda taught Luke how to be a Jedi unlike his father by keeping his emotions in check and by conquering his fears, a lesson we all could use from time to time. Moreover, Weird Al Yankovich wrote a song about Yoda that was better than the song it was based on, Eric Clapton's Lola.

Leia's alright, I guess. Kind of just filler in a galaxy ruled by (men). 

Never forget, evil Spock has a goatee.

A recent survey conducted by Entertainment Weekly found that Spock is the most popular alien in all of American media (Not Superman?!?!). And this is not without good reason, Spock is friggin Awesome. The weird thing is, I can't put my finger on why I find him so cool, because he's honestly kind of boring. I mean, the guy shows no emotion at all. But maybe that's his appeal; placed in perilous situations where certain death is imminent and the odds are grim, Spock stays as collected and stone-faced as Steven Segal after botox injections. Spock is the antithesis to Kirk's emotional nature. Their relationship is the perfect Yin and Yang symbiosis. Without Spock, there is no Star Trek.

Dr. McCoy is pretty sweet too. Watching he and Spock go at it is always enjoyable, particularly since McCoy is such a grouchy crotch, and it pisses him off that he can never get a rise out of Spock. And I loved how they never explained any of McCoy's medical devices; they simply made people better by beeping and flashing. As time went on, and as the entire cast got older, McCoy got less and less crotchety and even developed a friendly relationship with Spock. This could be due to McCoy carrying Spock's katra after Spock died, which allowed Spock to live again in the first place. By Star Trek VI, Spock and McCoy work together to save the Enterprise from assured destruction by performing "surgery" on a photon torpedo to allow it to track a cloaked Klingon Bird of Prey.

I really enjoyed watching the evolution of all relationships within Star Trek, and have trouble choosing between the two...

 

ADVANTAGE: DRAW

 5.) STRENGTH OF THE FILMS

 Star Wars: Episode I, The Phantom Menace

Garbage. Why, George? Why... I still have nightmares about that little jerk playing Anakin. "Yipee!"

Star Wars: Episode II, Attack of the Clones

Better... but not great. At least this film felt like Star Wars.

Star Wars: Episode III, Revenge of the Sith

Excellent. Dark, moody, and tragic. The final 30 minutes of this movie make up for all of the prequel trilogy's disappointments.

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

Classic. Four Stars. Amazing.

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

A rare sequel that is better than its predecessor. This is my favorite movie of all time.

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

I HATE EWOKS. But other than their annoying presence in this movie, it's dang near perfect. But seriously, EWOKS?! How am I supposed to believe that they could take down the Empire?

Star Trek: The Motion Picture

HAHAHA. What a piece of crap. 2 hours of sitting and watching paint dry. I would rather watch Episode I. Seriously, Episode I.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

This movie rules. So awesome it makes you wish it had been the first one."KHAAAAAN!!!"

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

Pretty good. And this is the one with Christopher Lloyd, so WATCH IT.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

A funny Trek movie? Yup. I enjoy this one.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

So, in this one, the crew finds God in the center of the galaxy. Yep, God. Wack. Awful. Bad special effects. Unacceptable.

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

PHAT. Lots of action and sweet space battles.

Star Trek VII through X

Who cares? Spock's not these. "But Data is!" Stuff Data. SPOCK!

Star Trek XI

The new Star Trek movie is AWESOME. What an incredible re-boot of the franchise. I can't wait for the next one.

"MARTY!"

ADVANTAGE: CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

So... who wins this battle?

Neither.

Whichever one you like best wins. They're both awesome franchises and they both have high points and low points.

Again, I personally prefer Star Wars. But if you prefer Star Trek, or Stargate, or Lord of the Rings, then you stick with that and run with it!

Unless you prefer Twilight.

TWILIGHT SUCKS

 

 

Jolly Ranchers

I quit smoking almost 2 1/2 years ago.

This has not been without its sporadic and infrequent relapse(s), but I went from being a pack-a-day smoker to being a non-smoker overnight.

It was right around the time I decided to get really involved with my church, that I quit. I was under the assumption that Jesus wouldn't bless me if I was a smoker. This is incorrect, but what IS correct is that smoking is gross and it got me some dirty looks... ESPECIALLY with the church crowd.

I did not quit cold turkey, however. I had help.



Nicorette.

Well, it wasn't real, brand name Nicorette. I started on "nicotine polarex gum" that my father ordered from Canada when he quit smoking. I moved from the Canadian Nicorette to the Walgreens Nicorette, which loses its flavor in about 20 seconds.

I did the nicotine gum system, just like the little pamphlet in the box told me to. But at the end of the 3 month treatment, I was still chewing the gum constantly; at least 4 pieces a day.

I have chewed the nicotine gum since I quit. And have found it VERY difficult to quit the freaking gum!

Ironic, no? The weapon I used to stop smoking turned on me and is now a thorn in my side.

But I have a new weapon, sharper than a lightsaber and cunning as a snake.

Jolly Ranchers.

Oh, how I love them!

Seriously, even if you're having the crappiest, piss poor day ever, open up that familiar little wrapper and pop the candy in your mouth...

REDEMPTION!
CLIMAX!
HOPE!
LOVE!
CONFIDENCE!

It is absolutely incredible how effective these little sugary pills can be.

My favorite flavor is grape. It literally explodes with the flavor of ripe concord grapes fresh off the vine.

My least favorite flavor, however, is blue raspberry.

And it's not that I dislike the flavor per se, but I have an issue with the concept of this particular Jolly Rancher.

There is no such thing as a blue raspberry

 

I feel as if I am drowning in a pool of deception by indulging this flavor.

Thus, I will avoid the blue raspberry ranchers at all cost. We keep a bowl of Jolly Ranchers in our family room and towards the end of a batch, there ends up being only blue raspberry.

Does anybody know of anywhere that I can donate the blue raspberry Jolly Ranchers to starving children in Kenya?

Whenever I get the craving for a piece of nicotine gum, I pop in a Jolly Rancher instead. This has been serving me well thus far, and I am down to chewing only one piece of nicotine gum per day.

In fact, it has gotten to the point that I barely have the typical "nic fits" anymore! This may not sound exciting to you, but it is very exciting for me.

I am hoping that, with the help of God, Moo, and my little explosions of fruity goodness, that I can kick nicotine once and for all!

GO HABERLEIN !!!









On a completely unrelated note, if I was a Power Ranger, my dinosaur would be the Pteranodon.

Server Manifesto

So yeah, I’m a server.

I work at Carrabbas Italian Grill in Grandville, MI. Grandville is an extremely conservative suburb of Grand Rapids, filled with tons of great churches, and more cheap folk than I can handle.


But, I do handle it, because I have to; otherwise I don’t get tipped the customary Dutch 15% for EXCEPTIONAL service.

This, by the way, is not enough for amazingly good service.

Most people will tell you that great service should get a 20% tip, and everybody seems to get this…

Except the Dutch, and the elderly.

Not all Dutch tip poorly, but I would give it about an 80% of those who do.

And it should be noted that 90% of the elderly people that enter our humble establishment are Dutch, so I generally loathe taking their tables.

Now please don't misappropriate what I am saying. I love elderly people and find the Dutch to be a generally very friendly and good looking people (My wife is Dutch, and she is super hot!). However, both groups can be very difficult to wait on and nearly impossible to please.

You see, a server is not just somebody who brings you your food. We are a part of the public relations arm of our restaurant. If I give you crappy service, you will probably not return to Carrabbas and will tell all of your peers about the bad service you had. And if enough people do not return to Carrabbas, we go out of business. Thus, I ensure that I give the best service that is humanly possible.

But sometimes, that doesn’t seem to be enough.

I am now going to document my 5 biggest pet-peeves of serving. These are in no particular order.

1.) Camping

Look,I understand that you would like to talk to your friend(s)/loved one(s)/lover(s) for an extended period of time. But sitting in my section at the same table for 3 hours and subsequently tipping 15% on the bill is UNACCEPTABLE. I could have been sat in that table at least 3 more times and made far more money on a given night had you not been sitting there. Go to a coffee house if you feel the need to socialize for an extremely long period of time.

2.) “Canadians “

Please, “Canadians”, PLEASE start tipping more than $3 on a $50 bill. And please stop ordering off the menu by modifying your dish so completely that we might as well rename it Pasta “Canadian”. No, your food will not be up soon because you ordered a well-done filet… would you like some ketchup with it? And for your beverage choice I will, of course, bring you water with at least 10 lemons and some sugar so you can make homemade lemonade. At $.05 a pop for lemons, I will ensure it ends up on your bill. Sure you can talk to my manager! He’ll be over within 20 minutes.

3.) The Grumpy Elderly

Let me start by saying, thank you for World War II. Without you, we would be living under a Nazi regime. But that does not give you an excuse to be mean and grumpy; complaining about every little thing that doesn’t suit you. There is no way that I can brew coffee that is hot enough for you without dragging it through the lake of fire in which all unrighteous will be judged! Please tone down the perfume (elderly ladies) or Old Spice (elderly men). There is no reason that you should be wearing that much of a scent unless you are trying to cover up a much more foul odor. Moreover, it is okay to try new things! You can make spaghetti and lasagna at home; why not try one of our signature dishes instead? No, you may not have a half-order or Sirloin Marsala, because that leaves us with another half of a 10 oz. steak that will probably not be ordered.

4.) No se habla Inglese

You want a menu with pictures on it so you can point to what you want? I’m sorry; we do not have a menu with pictures on it. You now live in America, and it may be time for you to learn our language, as we do not have a translated menu for you. No, we do not have Fanta or Pineapple Goya for you to drink, but we do have Corona and Dos XX! And would you PLEASE control your four kids who are all under the age of 5? I can’t understand what they’re yelling, and it is impolite for them to continue to try and write on my apron. By the way, I know quite a bit of Spanish, so when you are making fun of my nose in your native tongue, I know exactly what you are saying.

5.) Tract Leavers

As a Christian, this angers me the most. Leaving a “tip” that points your server towards accepting Christ is all well and good, but you actually do more harm to the Great Commission when you do this WITHOUT LEAVING A CASH TIP. Seriously? On what planet do you think this would be acceptable? The Apostle Paul would leave a tip, AND a tract. In fact, if you’re leaving a tract, leave a great tip and be friendly. Show me your fruit, and let me see Christ working through you. This is the way to win your unbelieving pagan server to the Lord. And just because I am a server, does not mean I am a wild partier who is addicted to drugs and has promiscuous sex with all of my co-workers.

Here are 10 more pet-peeves that come up regularly on any given shift.

10. Changing their mind after the food is delivered because something else "looks better".
9. Licking their fingers, plates or sucking the marrow out of bones.
8. Waving "hello" to the server even though the server has been waiting on them for over an hour.
7. Being nice and cordial, until the check arrives, and then complaining about the service.
6. Piling the plates up at the end of the table as soon as they are done eating.
5. Ordering something off the menu, then when the check arrives, complaining about the price.
4. Complaining that the food took so long, even though we can prove it only took 15 minutes since they ordered.
3. Using hand gestures when asking for things, like a peppermill or a menu.
2. Yelling at any hostess for a table, it's not her fault that the table will not leave.
1. Flirting, you are not funny or cute, if we laugh once, you may be funny, twice, we are humoring you, three times and you are now annoying.


In closing, if you don’t know proper etiquette when dining out, just stay home. There is no need to be rude and impatient at a restaurant unless things are going really poorly with your service or meal. So chill out, relax, and let me serve you.

Haberlein Halloween Safety Tips

Boo!

Ahahahahaha... scared you!

Welcome to the stupidest and least thought provoking holiday to grace the American calendar: Halloween!

Every year, this holiday returns to rear its ugly, (billion dollars in sales), head.

In addition, every year, local health care organizations release their own Halloween safety tips on their web sites, thinking people who participate in Halloween are actually going to bother reading their ridiculous tips such as, “Don’t eat candy that is open”, and “Don’t drive after having too much to drink at a Halloween party”. These tips have no bearing on society today, and everyone knows how much fun it is to drive home wasted, dressed up as one of the Village People. Hopefully, the cop who pulls you over is gay!

Now, all occultist historical facts aside, I feel it is my civic duty to provide you with some relevant safety tips to save you from not enjoying this incredibly asinine holiday.

1.)    Girls, dress sluttier than your friends

 Yesterday, I overheard this conversation between two female classmates of mine:

Girl 1: “Did you figure out what you’re wearing to Ryan’s kegger on Saturday?”

Girl 2: “Oh my GOD, yes. I am going as a naughty cop.”

Girl 1: “Oooh, Jeff will love that, especially after getting his DUI last weekend.”

Girl 2: “I know! My shorts are so short that you can see my butt cheeks.”

Girl 1: “You slut!”

Girl 2: “Right? I’m gonna get SO hammered and let Jeff see all of my butt!”

Both girls: Teeheeheeheehee!

You see, the sluttier you dress for Halloween; the more likely you are to get the attention of extremely classy boys! Boys that are surely going to want to marry and start a family with you after you give yourself to them in a regrettable drunken sexual escapade. And remember, if some guy you don’t know offers you an already opened drink go ahead and take it! After all, Halloween is about adventure and fun, right?

2.)   Use real weapons to accessorize your costume

Dressing up as a Jedi for Halloween? Get a real lightsaber from MIT. Of course you will have to break into their Advanced Laser and Light laboratory, but how cool would it be to show up at a Halloween party with a real lightsaber? And the inevitable frat boy who makes fun of you and calls you a nerd for dressing up like a Jedi won’t be laughing when you remove his intestines with your extremely hot and sharp blade! And since its Halloween, you’ll totally get away with the gutting! After all, death and destruction are the name of the game on this holiday.

3.)    Give really odd “treats” to trick-or-treaters

There is absolutely no way you are going to be the most popular house this Halloween. That distinction goes to Mr. Jenkins two houses down, who gives out king-size candy bars. You see, Mr. Jenkins obtained what is called a “settlement” after his wife cheated on him with her boss, and now has quite a bit of discretionary income with which to purchase neighborhood popularity.

The only way for you to beat Jenkins is to give out treats that are far more unique! Some examples are:

·         Clumps of hairballs coughed up by your 8 cats.

·         Coupons for 20% off at Bed Bath and Beyond.

·         Copies of Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto.

·         Pictures of Ed Harris.

·         Fresh, organic figs.

·         Banned Disney World War II propaganda cartoons, (My favorite is, “You’re a Sap, Mr. Jap!”).

·         Exquisitely embroidered do-rags (Some spell it “durag” but they are wrong).

·         Cans of Diet Rite Cola.

If you take my advice and give out these incredibly unique treats, your house will be the most popular with the kiddos for years to come!

4.)    Wear an extremely dark costume, and trick-or-treat near busy highways

In fact, if you can, trick-or-treat along heavily traveled roads. If you really want to have fun, play “can you hear a car?” with your friends by blindfolding each other and running across said heavily traveled road. Run, don’t walk!

Also, make sure you cut your travel time on foot by cutting through dark alleys and under large bridges to reach your destinations. If you encounter any aggressive strangers, remember that you have a lightsaber/sword/nun-chucks/bo-staff and the strangers will probably want a demonstration of your skills.

5.)    If a house doesn’t answer your “trick-or-treat” call, find another way in.

Trust me, the folks that live there merely forgot that it is Halloween and have many things to give you when you get into their house. I would recommend going in through a window or the back door, preferably with a couple of your friends. This brings me back to the “use a real weapon” advice. When you get into the house, make sure you brandish the weapon around wildly asking for your treat. And make sure you run up to the home’s owner(s) as quickly as possible, again, brandishing your weapon. They’ll immediately remember that it’s Halloween and will thank you for reminding them.

I hope these tips help you to enjoy your Halloween! I also hope you get lots of candy and get REALLY fat on that candy, because I will look better than you by comparison. And when I look better than you; that, to me, is a successful Halloween.

Oh, and don’t forget:

Halloween is demonic.

Swine Flu with a Side of Mashed Potatoes

We are under a state of national emergency.

The last time this occurred, our nation had just experienced the most horrific domestic attack in its short history on September 11, 2001.

That time the enemy was Al-Qaeda, and, as we learned from the Bush Administration, all Muslims.

This time, the enemy is the flu.

THE FLU !


Albeit, a special, sexy version of your common flu virus.

This flu was originally called Swine Flu, based on the belief that the virus had originated in pigs on Mexican farms. This surprised me because I thought Mexico's land was too barren to support any life other than shrubs, tumbleweed, and Benicio del Toro. I learn something new everyday.

In fact, in South Korea, Israel, and the Netherlands, it is still called Mexican Flu.

I don't even need to make a joke out of that; It is it's own hilarity.

The moniker of Swine Flu caused a panic in the food industry, with countries like Japan banning all importation of pork from the Western Hemisphere. We responded by banning all Helllo Kitty and Pokemon merchandise from entering our sovereign land. Take THAT Emperor Meiji! That's what happens when you declare a trade war on the US pork industry. Remember the last time you declared war on us? How did that go for you?

In protest of this nonsense, I ate nothing but bacon for an entire day, and all I got was awful diarrhea and an immense acne outbreak. No flu, no death.

So, with the pork industry in a state of panic, the Swine Flu was renamed. Initially, they were going to call it the Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu, but SOME people had an issue with this. So they named it the H1N1 Novel Virus, sighting some type of ridiculous theory that it should be named after it's biological nomenclature. GAY.

Many people I know are panicking about the Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu, which has only been exacerbated by the Obama Administration declaring it's presence in the US a national emergency.

But is this truly an emergency of such epic proportions?

So far, in the US, 1,000 people have died of the Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu, whereas 800 people per week die from the common flu. In fact, the death rate of people hospitalized with common influenza in the US is 18%, while the death rate of diagnosed H1N1 in the US is less than 8%.

I personally know three people who have had swine flu, and yeah, they were sick as dogs. But none of them went to the ER, staying at home instead and getting lots of sleep and pushing fluids. One of them swears colloidal silver helped his body fight it off, but he's out of his mind anyway. Moreover, we all know colloidal silver turns you into a terrorist, so I would not recommend it to anybody except for those who are currently practicing terrorists, as it has the reverse affect on them.

Anyhoo,what is the point of declaring this a national emergency? With a news media that already feeds on sensationalism, this just allows them to collectively suck the teet of the White House, awaiting any more news on our national emergency. What a load of crap.

We saw the beginning of this sensationalism in late March, when health "experts" said the Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu would kill upwards of a million people in America, and could be worse than the flu pandemic of 1918-1919 that killed one million Americans and 50 million people worldwide. Obviously none of this has, or will, happen.

Remember SARS? Remember Bird Flu? Same crap. Media sensationalism followed by a massive letdown.

Next they'll probably find a mutated version of the virus, call it Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu II, and make the same outrageous claim about it that they made about Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu I. Only this time, Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu II will also give you AIDS. Not HIV, but full blown AIDS.

So wash our hands, don't makeout with someone exhibiting symptoms of Mexican Food Will Kill You All Flu, and please, please eat lots of pork, even if you're Jewish.

Especially if you're Jewish.